Darko

Sometimes I wonder...

What it would have been like to be in your place

Everything so strange, so sublime and beautiful

And even though there was pain, there was also love

Unconditional and true

And while Bukowski tells me that it is a dog from hell,

Its still the best dream I ever head

There might not be a Frank for me

nor a Gretchen Ross

But yet, I still hope to find my very own

tangent universe

I hope that when the time comes,

I will find the cellar door

And once inside, I will laugh with you

laugh and laugh

because we made it after all.

"going nowhere, going nowhere

no tomorrow, no tomorrow...

and I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad..."

Bury The Evidence

I can picture it now / You in your car / Left the bar / Playing Big Part / Keep up complainin'
It's probably rainin' / Keeping complaining / It's probably raining / You're gonna visit your car
It's one of my peeps / With a blow to your head / Is that what you need
You're probably bleeding / Is that what you needed / You're probably bleeding
Just like a movie / Just like a movie / Just like a movie / Life doesn't move me
Life doesn't move me

I keep with you now / Here in your car / Left the bar / Playing the Big Part
Keeping complaining / It's probably raining / It's one of my peeps
With a blow to your head / Is that what you needed / What you needed
What you needed / You caught me breathin
It's just like a movie / Life's just like a movie / It's like a movie / Just like a movie
It doesn't move me
Move me / Move me / It doesn't move me / Life doesn't move / It doesn't move me
Move me

It's like a blow to the head / It's like a blow to my head / It doesn't move me
Move me / Move me / Move me / It doesn't move me / It's like a movie
Just like a movie / Blow to the head / Life's like a blow to the head
What you needed what you needed what you needed

Life's like a blow to the head It's that what you needed / Is that what you needed
What you needed / A blow to the head / Move Me / Move me / It doesn't move
It doesn't move / It's like a movie / Movie Movie / Just like a movie

It doesn't move me
It's like a movie

and the truth will set you free

July 13th, 2010
..............

In the consternation that was ours, we couldn’t help but feel trapped and desolate. Decimated. Nothing but like sheep into the slaughter. Yes. For what are we but senseless flesh? Dearly beloved, this void that has become us cannot ever be replaced. And when we feel that the final drop of hope is gone, we will know. Oh yes we will know!! And we shall lift up our arms and cry out to the heavens with a most thunderous voice, “Oh please please please release me! Oh please please please release me…”.

.. ..

You and I entwined, we shall never escape. So let us feel a little more alive when we are more dead. Drink up from bitter cup, the poison that is the allusion of our existence. It’s the only thing we’ve got. Always remember that we tried and that we tried hard but living in a lie can only go so far. I hope that you will not pass judgment because you simply do not understand; rather, try to understand. And if you ever get there then I will hold your arm and we will march with our heads held high. Everyone will watch and they will wonder… “What made you so fatigued? What made you champions?” We will sing in the glory of this gloom and maybe, just maybe we will find that peace we seek. Let us hope so for our sake.

.. ..

Dear brothers and sisters, the sun is going down.

and you will know the truth

July 6th, 2010
..............

little joseph

why are you so scared? did you not know what would happen when you did all that?

dont you remember all you've done? They know, They most certainly do. but this is the

life you have made for yourself. arent you glad? was this not what you wanted? poor

little joe. and now you cant take any of it back. you cant go back in time and fix your

life. you cant say that you are truly so very sorry.


what did you expect would happen?! now everything's all fucked, everything is ruined.

stupid little joe. stupid stupid boy. now you have no home and your family no longer

care for you. you had to be depressed. ha. what? and you thought the demon drink

would make it go away. you had to believe that all those drugs would solve it all for

you, if only for one night. you had to be depressed.

now you've truly lost it all and you are so afraid. think you'll make it to your 5 year

plan? me thinks not. but not to worry little man! there is a fine place waiting for you

there. we are all going to hell anyways. shall we mr hyde? quite rightly so.

fathom

July 6th, 2010
.....

I f o n l y y o u c o u l d . . .

Catalysis

June 8th, 2010
....

wake up. you could miss something important.

oh i'm sorry, the sleep dealer felt short today.

either way, those bags under your eyes are getting bigger.

like you fucking care.

more dead than alive, you could've swore that it'd be different.

who where you kidding? dumb fuck, pathetic loser.

yeah, go cower away from all your problems,

drink yourself to sleep. go ahead.

do it like you fucking care.

but in a moment's bliss, all is calm and all is clear.

the sound vibrating through your ears and into your head, pacify.

laying down, you look up and you see yourself fly up into the sky.

there you are, go ahead.

Don't leave, Don't sleep.

you want to have another drink but the pungent smell of gasoline still hangs.

have a cigarette instead, go ahead.

do it like you care.

immolate

Nessun Dorma

June 1rst, 2010
....

"Who am I?" is the usual question.

In my case, "what?" might be more apt.

Fatalistic and contrite, utterly distasteful yes.

Manic apoplectic and yet you'll never know.


For every night we die, little by little, until the break of dawn.

But there will be no gleam of light, no sense of hope to

lift you up from slumber, no.


Eternity is relentless.

And in these nightly visions, hysteric demons call.

I know not where I'll be, nor how I will be.

Nevertheless, this vapid melancholic

never lacked with so much grief.


I am De-Loused in the Comatorium.

This is where I end and you begin.

it's begun

May 24th, 2010
....

She came to you at night.

With promises of love and eternal life,

and you.... you surrendered.

Instead she took your life.

She gave you hers to drink.


In the nightmare that you wake up to

there is only thirst and insatiable rage.

You do believe in monsters I hope?

In all the days of your existence,

you have never felt more alive.

You know this to be true.


You are kindred, you are damned.


But remember what you lost.

Where there was love, you'll find only lust.

Remember what it was to have a soul,

for now you'll find only madness.

Where there was peace, there is only strife.

Welcome to the Danse Macabre my darling,

dying is only the beginning.

ha ha ha

May 20th, 2010
....

Your spirit is low, yes yes it is. Shudder as you wake up, yes you are still here. FUCK!

The cellos play and the violins all shriek inside your head

The screams are getting louder

You fall to the ground in agony

You shake your every limb so violently
as if all your wrong doings, all your shame,
would simply go away.

No. You are here to stay my dear.

hahaha

Suffer!!

You deserve this, yes you do.

aarrgghh!

No glass if alcohol will fix it, no drug out there
will make it go away. Stupid boy. You have the
gun do you not?

If you're so unhappy about it all, fucking do something about it.

hahaha

HAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA!!

there, there

May 3rd, 2010
.....

i still see her in my dreams

she does not see me there

and all that i can do is watch her

she looks happy



and all that i can think or feel is that i still need her

but she is gone and i'm just there watching



tomorrow i will wake up

and i will think about that dream

the wanderer

April 29th, 2010
....

"Many moons have passed since I've left the other side behind me.

Since then I've tried to forget the terrors I beheld beneath the cold earth,

and the twisted nightmares that have haunted my every waking moment.

There's something dark within me now, I can feel it... driving me towards the east...

assuring me that my salvation lies within the ruins of broken dreams.

Though I know the way, I know not what perils will arise to hinder my journey.

And as I pass through the first gate, I know that the better part of my soul will

remain behind... forever."

Entry # 13

April 21rst, 2010
....

its quiet now. its getting late.

don't make me go into slumber.

your silence is the loudest sound

and here I am staring at you

but I cannot meet your gaze.



I tremble when you look at me

and when you leave, your steps

echo in my heart and I long to

have you back again.



reasons to go . . .

only some will truly make you free.

Entry # 12

April 14th
....

"It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm

we can roll ourselves over 'cause we're uncomfortable

oh where the devil makes us sin

but we like it when we're spinning in his grip.



Love is like a sin, my love

For the ones that feel it the most

Look at her with her eyes like a flame

She will love you like a fly will never love you, again



It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm

we can roll ourselves over when we're uncomfortable

oh well the devil makes us sin

but we like it when we're spinning in his grip.



Love is like a sin, my love

For the one that feels it the most

Look at her with her smile like a flame

She will love you like a fly will never love you, again"


Delusional. I want to see it all burned down. And when
it happens, I will be there watching. I will mourn our
passing. I will sing a lullaby for you.


I will bury our ashes on the day we started!
I will forever be the monster, the villain and the fiend!

And so it is, Au Revoir.

1 4 t h a g a i n

Entry # 10

April 6th, 2010

"Wait, don't leave me. I won't make it. Please...stay awhile, stay with me."

Drowned in sorrows and regrets, burned alive by the flames of rage and hate... We are nothing but alone.

Bruised and broken, we crumble to our knees in desperation and our gaze turns upward to the sky; you plea that your life is taken from you. Yet, he is not there nor does he listen.


When all sense is lost, the dreams turn crimson red and the crowd watches still.


Let it all come crashing, tonight I welcome death.


"I will always be with you...forever and ever."

Entry # 09

March 29th, 2010
...
Current mood:cynical

“Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives
they must live”


The self-loathing sank in, the madness took over and the beast is once
more. Wounded monsters have no remedy.


The rage sinks in and there is no ending to the nightmare. Forget the
past, lets take matters in our hands.


They used to call me friend, they used to call me lover. I used to be a brother, I used to be a son. I used to have a conscience. Now my being is empty and what remains is a dream of fire, a dream of dying.

Entry # 06

March 14th, 2010

....Yet another 14th.

...static...

girl: "can you talk where you are?"

boy: yeah..

girl: "who's there?"

boy: ..satellite truck, no I can talk.

girl: "is anyone else there?"

boy: no.

girl: "hang on.."

boy: ooohh man..

girl: "you're really tired, I know, you sound just awful...I love you.."

boy: I love you too...

...I don't wanna be here, I wanna be with you...


...static...blank...


girl: "I was sitting in bed..."

boy: yeah?

girl: "and I was kind of daydreaming..."

boy: mmm hmm...(voices in background)

girl: "...and I was remembering............umm...I don't know I was just remembering all sorts of things."

(voices in background)
boy: like what?

girl: "I was remembering when you came and saw me after the.........collection?"

boy: yeah

girl: "....and you just walked in the door...."

boy: yeah

girl: "....and dropped everything...."

boy: yeah

girl: "I was just remembering that, I'd...I hadn't thought of that for a long time...."

boy: yeah...

girl: "....and how amazing that was...."

boy: yeah...well..

girl: "do you have to hang up?"

(voices in background continue)
boy: nope, not at all. I'm not gonna hang up while you're talking like this...(both laugh)
(voices in background continue)

girl: "does anyone else hear you?"

(voices in background continue)
boy: no they're not hearing this instance

girl: "oh."


...static...blank...


girl: "can you talk to me for as long as you can talk to me or do you have to go?"

boy: no, no I can talk to you for as long as you want!

girl: "I wanna talk to you."


...static...static......static...static...
...static...static......static...static...


static..

girl: "....miss you..."
"isn't it amazing how much I miss you?"

..static..

girl: "and how much I feel like my body"

..static..

girl: "needs to be against yours?"

..static..

boy: well I..

..static..

boy: ...give me.

..static..

girl: "that's a good thing!"

..static..

boy: yeah

..static..

girl: "its a good thing that's it mutua"

..static..

boy: yah(both laugh)

..static..

girl: "....ow what?"

..static..

boy: mmm?

..static..

girl: "you kno.."

..static..

girl: "what I was thinking today?"

..static..

boy: what?

..static..

girl: "we're the luckiest people in the world"

..static..

girl: "beca"

..static..

girl: "this is..."

..static..

girl: "just getti"

..static..

girl: "stronger and stronger"

..static..

girl: "on and on..."

..static..

Entry # 07

March 16th, 2010.
....

A life in defeat is no life at all.

No matter how many times you are assured that everything will get better, it never will.
This world is quickly going to shit, we all know it. Instead, life consumes us like a
starving dog. We are all rabid beasts living in our own facade.

Entry # 01

January 25th, 2010

"Dear Brothers and Sisters!

Dear Enemies and Friends!

Why are we all so alone here?

All we need is a little more hope, a little more joy

All we need is a little more light, a little less weight, a little more freedom

If we were an army, and if we believed that we were an army

And we believed

That everyone was scared

Like little lost children in their grown up clothes and poses

So we ended up alone here

Floating through long wasted days

Or great tribulations

While everything felt wrong



Good words

Strong words

Words that could've moved mountains

Words that no one ever said

We were all waiting to hear those words

And no one ever said them

And the tactics never hatched.

And the plans were never mapped.

And we all learned not to believe.

And strange lonesome monsters loafed through the hills

wondering why

And it is best to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wonder why



So tangle; Oh tangle us up in bright red ribbons!

Let's have a parade

It's been so long since we had a parade

So let's have a parade

Let's invite all our friends

And all our friends' friends

Let's promenade down the boulevards

With terrific pride

And light in our eyes

Twelve feet tall and staggering!

Sick with joy

With the angels there

And light in our eyes

Brothers and Sisters

Hope still waits in the wings

Like a bitter spinster

Impatient

Lonely

And shivering

Waiting to build her glorious fires.

I's because of our plans man;

Our beautiful ridiculous plans!

Let's launch them like careening jetplanes!

Let's crash all our planes in the river!

Let's build strange and radiant machines

At this Jericho waiting to fall"

silly motherfucker

the following posts are quite old. they are from the time I was using myspace to blab and rant. the posts will be titled as "entry # 01, entry # 02..." and so on until I write something else.

It is May 3rd, 2010.

I don't know why I have this incessant need to write whatever stupidity flows through my mind. I am currently sick and I feel like shit. However, I believe that it is better to feel like shit just to know that we are alive. This is what keeps me going. Its the sickness, the grief and the anger.

I feel that this blog page will become part of my journey to reach home. Let us hope I find some sort of consolation in writing the madness that's inside me. To whomever may read this, welcome. I am doing this for me and me only. Any comments you may want to spout out about what a dumb idea this is, fuck you, keep it yourself.

here we go...