(From Lips of Lying Dying Wonder Body #2)

what is it that you do when you want to die?

you spoke to me, a faint whisper in my mind.

a deafening murmur calling for conclusion.

"well beyond your expiration date", I know.

so heavy a burden, your words.

and you're right. how did I think it would be

any different? you were and always will be... right.

truth is, you're the last man standing in your way.

trust in your desire, deliverance within your reach

thus, I hope you find the courage

you spoke to me. you said,

"you knew all along..."

death is the road to awe

(From Lips of Lying Dying Wonder Body #3)

when I arrived there were only a few there.
faces I did not recognize
faces with a somber expression
and when they saw me they all moved away.

no one said a word. the only sound of whispers
accompanied by a rainy autumn morning.

I walked further down when I saw the open casket.
each step heavier than the one before. my body
ached, weakness overwhelmed me. hands and
knees heavy on the floor, I crawled... determined
to look at whose body laid in front of me.

I tried to ask for help yet no one seemed to notice.
no one seemed to care. I reached for the handles,
arms outstretched and pulled myself up.

when I finally peered inside the coffin, I saw that
the person laying there was me. cold and done for.

I began to cry shortly after that. then I woke up.

Silence

Its almost time, I know

destiny friend...

be with me now.

give me strength

give me courage

believe in me.

lights are fading

heads are spinning

just keep breathing

hold me in that moment

and let me feel your warmth

there's a pale horse waiting

and we will be its riders...

tonight.

whispers in the tress

my dearest friend,

how did it come to be like this?
were we not hopeful, full of joy once?

why did it come to this?

all this darkness...

where did it come from?

who robbed our smiles and hearts?

And as I lay down in the grass I ponder

of once upon a time... a better time long gone,
like a whisper in the air.

Nevertheless, we shan't ever ever ever forget!

Let this memoir stay with you awhile

and always remember us.

Ready yourself for the unknown. Brace yourself

for the uncertain. And though we know not what'll
be in store tomorrow, I sure hope its the scent of
blooming flowers. I hope its the sound of singing birds

and flying leaves. I hope I hear some children
laughing. I hope to see a shining light upon the blue

horizon skies.

Remaining truthfully yours, I love you.

We will see the bright of day again...

in this life or in the next... I love you.

Lucid Dreams

February 27th, 2011. 3:58am:

I don't understand this obsession I have with burning. I see it in me and in others but this is by far one of the most terrible dreams I have had and its not because its about me dying like it usually is but someone that shouldn't be dying because of me.

I remember standing in line before another "judge" again. The men that are standing beside me are all older than I am. We're all shackled. I look at these men and their countenances are all crazed and remorseless. They look indifferent to what is happening. Suddenly the person sitting up on the stand calls me by name and he asks me why I should live.

I tell him I've got no reason to give. I tell him that can't explain why I'm there but that I shouldn't be among these men. He shakes his head at me as I try to plead with him some more. Instead he turns to point behind me and I turn to face the darkness behind me, I see people there looking at me with anger and disgust. I'm stricken with panic and being to shake uncontrollably.

And that is when I hear children around me. I hear children crying. I open my eyes to look for them and I see a few at first but then I see more and more coming towards me. They are all burned, all those kids and all of them are crying. They reach with their little arms and hands and they pull me from all sides. I can't do anything but watch. I begin to cry and I tell them that I'm so sorry, so sorry that they're in so much pain. I fall to my knees with them but now they scream more loudly and I cringe at the sound.

A moment later, I open my eyes again to see them all burning again while I burn with them also. Then I woke up.

Stoic

I can't shake the thought of being inside a court room.

It feels as if you are inside a church instead...

With people lowering their voices, the sound almost inaudible,

while a pretense god sits in the middle, black garb and

hammer in hand. The prosecutors are all armed with your

life laid down on paper and a menacing glance.

And us, the "defendants", like the heretics of old waiting in

line for execution. And what else was there?

Ah yes, the supposed counselor and guards. One acts with

self-imposed eminence while the other two pretend to

serve a meaningless work with just as much conceit.

You keep looking a the pulpit and you

wonder what will happen next.

You look back and you feel the rest

staring at you with rebuke.

I glance quickly out the window and see

children play outside, free of worry and guilt.

"And so I went through that window

And the tower of hell and the great

serpentines of the highest order

...Prepared in innocence to meet our king of glory

You have it in your secret windows

And you're understanding to understand it

and to bring it forth

It takes minute detail

It takes a holy life

It takes emotions

It takes dedication

It takes dedication

It takes a death

And only god can allow it

And you couldn't do it if you're not the seed of god

And when you penetrate to the most high god

You will believe you are mad

You will believe you've gone insane

But I tell you, if you follow the secret window

And you die to the ego nature

You will penetrate this darkness.

Oh yes, there's many a man or woman

That's been put in the insane asylum

When this has happened to them

And they're sitting there today, people think they're insane

But they saw something that's real

And they see it when they're on drugs

The only thing is they see it

Not through the light of god, and the way I show you

I show you to see it through the light of god

And the understanding of god

Because when you see the face of God you will die

And there will be nothing left of you..."

I deserve all this and what is to come.

Rendez-vous Avec Rien

Thus he sang and was out of tone

One sad melody that always went unheard

Its so cold and its so dark

but this sound resonated on and on

Is that what everybody wants?

How could we know. No one ever looks

in shadows when the shadow is the reflection.

So lay this body down and sing me llulabies.

Weary and contrite, I can't see you anymore.

The melody has stopped and all we hear

is the reverting sound of broken glass.

No more darkness, its time to find the light.

Armed with wings and perseverance! Lets take flight.

We will conquer the sky...

Don't look back now, the sun is getting brighter.

Don't you worry now, it will burn a little.

Don't you scream so loud now, the pain is almost gone.

Don't pay no mind this fall, we are victorious.

Our wings are all but broken

Yet we defied this tyrannous star

The ground is coming closer

Yet we touched the light

Please don't wake up.

and I was happy to fade

ingenting hos mig

They used to say that Home is where the heart is

But now, broken is the norm and the only medication

is the drugs, its the cigarettes and its the drink.

There was a Home once, marvelous and wonderful it was.

What used to be an everyday smile, now turned to daily

shame. Feeling worthless and defeated... with no more

blood in open wounds but rather poison flowing through.

No more pride, no more self-respect.

What have I become? Haunted. Scared. Manic Apoplectic.

And it saddens me to know that no matter what I do,

I will forever be the same... and there's no end in sight.

The reflection is no longer of myself and yet I

keep staring. I'm disgusted with my life and myself...

and yet, I'm not unhappy about that.

I wrapped myself with stubborn pride one October of 2009.

I lost my soul in that October of 2009.

I lost my will to go on shortly after that.

I fell asleep and woke up in a nightmare afterwards.

Slowly dissipating with every passing day while remembering

those laughing days, those moments of genuine care and

that longing that was ours.

This life, this man, like an insect crawling in the sand...

yearning for the sound of crashing waves on the horizon.

This life, this man, with a desire to go far away...

Home in sight. Take me home. Welcome Home. Welcome back.

You were Home. You were Hope and you were Love.

I am Homesick because the only thing that I ever

miss is you. Forgive me.